~Everything has beauty...

...but not everyone sees it." ~Confucius.

One of the interesting things about being a creative person is that I remember my dreams quite often. I don’t know if it is to do with the creative side of the brain being able to remember them more vividly or what, but my dreams do tend to stay with me.

Over the course of the last five or six years or so, I’ve noticed developing trends about my dreams — for one, there seem to be (at various points) a character in the dreams who represents my subconscious. Sometimes it takes an active part, sometimes it is just there at the sidelines watching the action unfurl.

I imagine it will come as no surprise to people who know me that my subconscious character is female. I’ve always had a thing about drawing beautiful women, and writing them into my books too, which is odd, as beauty is — in my opinion — very deceptive. Last night’s dream is worth talking about really, as a “get to know Jon better” exercise.

If one is to look in my art gallery, or to read my novel, there are a high proportion of attractive women. It is, in many ways, to be expected of the fantasy and science fiction genres in which I dabble. Some of the pieces of art were, I admit, just a chance for me to draw a scantily clad woman. No big surprises there. But more often then not I don’t draw “babes” for the sake of it.

In fact, the only things I tend to find true beauty in are music, nature, and a very rare type of person.

Attractive women are deceptive. This isn’t a slur on women at all, but simply an observation based on experience. Defining what makes a woman attractive is a hard, hard thing for me to do, and yet most men who I know are able to tell me about their “type” of girl with few problems.

My dream last night was a Blind Date (the television show) scenario. It was interesting because I was sat in two places at once in the dream. There was a version of me, dressed in a suit, sat on the chair by the screen, and there were three women to the other side of it.

The host was Romany, a character from a short story I wrote during my degree who has long represented my subconscious. She was, up until very recently, the most beautiful figure I had ever drawn — not technically, but in purpose. In theory she had everything a man would find attractive. But she hides her face behind a crystalline mask, and only very few people know that while her body is perfect, her face is a rotting façade of flesh, dripping away from some incurable disease. Yes, I have an idea what this says about me. I try not to worry about it.

The other version of me was sat in the show’s audience, so I could see both the be-suited me and the three ladies on the other side of the screen. The three ladies were very, very interesting.

You see, all three were characters from my novel. Well, technically the first two novels.

Number One was Cammael Aikawa. Small, Japanese heritage, long auburn hair, striking green eyes, finely toned but not muscular. She’s the girl to the left if you’re reading this blog at http://www.demajen.co.uk. If you’re reading it on Facebook, click the link and you’ll see her. In the dream she didn’t have the purple skin, just as she doesn’t for most of the book. (Yes, you’ll have to read it to find out why.)

Number Two was Ixai Kirache. As well as one of the better names I’ve come up with, Ixai is quite unusual in that she is of Native American descent, a culture I know little about but have always been quite interested in. Ixai is also unusual in the novel in that she’s filthy. She’s a mechanic, covered in grease and oil, and is generally obnoxious to everyone. So she’s sat there in that chair looking dirty, though she’s probably reasonably attractive, but not conventionally beautiful, under all the grime. I’ve never drawn a picture of Ixai, which is odd.

Number Three was Rowan Blackthorne. Rowan is an outcast, a Faerie stuck on Earth for four-hundred years. She’s of average height, pretty, but lacking the normal characteristics of the average fantasy heroine: she wears jeans and shirts and doesn’t have huge breasts. Personality wise I know she’s tricky to pin down, being vicious, sadistic, infuriating, playful, sensual, scary, timid, fragile, and a whole host of other things. She’s probably the most complicated character I’ve ever tried to write about.

So the gameshow begins. Only problem is, I can’t remember the three questions I got to ask, which makes this next section of the blog a tad dull. All three ladies gave excellent answers to those unmemorable questions (don’t know what that says about me, that I can’t remember the three most important questions I’d use to pick a potential date) but in the end, the outcome was hardly surprising.

Many of the people on my Masters — and Cat, who has also helped proofread the novel so far — have remarked that Oberon is similar in personality to myself. Hardly surprising really: write what you know and all that. And in some ways the whole trilogy is an allegory for my life, but I won’t go into that as the story keeps changing as it is. It is no real surprise then that Rowan, the love interest for the second novel, has a considerable number of appealing things about her.

Trouble is, much like Oberon in the story, I’m not entirely certain what those traits are.

See, Cammael is a babe. I have no problem admitting that I have always found red hair quite attractive, and there are a good number of very attractive Japanese models and singers out there to ogle over. She is aesthetically pleasing, as well as being quite a hard-ass at times. Would I like to date her? No, probably not. She’s a family girl, fairly domineering, difficult to have fun with.

Ixai has a way with words. Underneath her layers of grease and oil there’s a relatively pleasant girl, but it’s her personality that appeals to me. She speaks her mind, she’s not afraid to get physical — as far as throwing inanimate objects at Oberon is concerned — and she’s not worried about getting dirty. She’s practical, very smart, and quite creative too. I like to think of myself as those things, so again, a good match in some respects.

And Rowan. Readers might initially find Rowan to be a bit schizophrenic in her general personality. Sometimes she’s a sadistic, toying bitch; tearing off limbs, slitting throats, and revelling in blood and guts. Sometimes she’s soft, sensual, needy. Sometimes she’s half a dozen other things. In some ways she’s a damsel in distress, and as I’ve probably mentioned before, I have a thing about damsels in distress. Can’t resist trying to save them. Thing is, Rowan doesn’t really want anyone’s help. She doesn’t want affection, or closeness. She’s had a long time to be on her own, and she doesn’t want to open up to anyone about what four hundred years of loneliness and withdrawal is like. She feels uncomfortable with Oberon, even though she likes leading him on and toying with him. She is a Faerie after all.

So why do I pick the challenging one? The one with the issues? The one with complexes and ridiculous personality facets and the desire to cut herself off from feeling anything?

I don’t actually remember which exotic location the date took us too, nor do I remember much about what happened, but — like Oberon in the novel — I found the whole experience interesting. Frustrating at times, difficult to get a grasp on her feelings/desires/emotions. Sometimes I’d say something that would send her into a rage or running away. Sometimes she’d sit on my lap and just stare into my eyes. It was complex, complicated, and I really enjoyed every minute of it.

So, what is my type of woman? I’m really not sure. It seems I like someone unconventional, who other men might not necessarily want to touch with a barge pole, someone who has depths, skeletons in their closets, histories they don’t want to talk about, and yet make me laugh till I cry, make me feel attractive and needed, who won’t necessarily admit they are crazy about me but will imply it in their own, teasing way anyways.

It was an interesting dream. It gave me some material to think about in terms of characterisation in the book, as well as insight into my own thoughts and emotions which, as I’ve mentioned in previous blogs, are a bit stymied most of the time these days. I don’t think these insights speak badly about me, but if they do, so what? They’re my thoughts, feelings and insights, and someday I’ll undoubtedly find someone who can empathise with them, if I haven’t found them already. *shrugs*

What really worries me, though, about the whole thing, is that I can’t remember a single word Romany said. Normally she lashes her beautiful, melodic tongue at me with unasked for advice, which is generally disturbing and wakes me up. I think this time she thought making me forget the questions was a fun enough pastime for her.

Sad thing is, the Romany in the short story was completely different in terms of personality. I wonder what THAT says about me…?!