~Fierce Midnights and Famishing Morrows~

What's this, Jon? No blog until 8 days later? Isn't that breaking your resolution?

No, actually. I wrote one yesterday. It just isn't for public consumption. Consider it a therapy blog for my addled brain.

Was it important?

To me, yes. It was a necessity.

It's been almost 2 years now since I left Our Lady's with severe depression and stress-related disorder. I was warned at the time that these things love to come back and haunt you periodically, annually.

Last year, on my MA, I got down at this time of year, but it was mediated by the fun I was having on the course, and the enjoyment I found losing myself in my writing.

This year it's hit me a lot harder, due to the stress at school and my own emotional issues. There is no one person to blame for this. I don't regret any of the mistakes I've made over the last couple of months, and in some ways don't even see them as mistakes, even if they have clouded my mind and taken me to darker places than I would prefer to visit. There is no blame here, not from me, not for those who care enough to continuously brighten my days - melodramatic as this all sounds.

It's two weeks till Easter. I still have no idea how long I'm gonna be at this school for, but the hours ahead will stretch out to eternity I'm certain. Will live for the future, for my friends, for a break to this cycle.

I leave you with a quote from Swinburne's Dolores which in some ways sums me up at the moment.

Fierce midnights and famishing morrows,
And the loves that complete and control
All the joys of the flesh, all the sorrows
That wear out the soul.

Find the complete poem @: http://user.itl.net/~geraint/dolores.html